THE FACTS OF LIFE
Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes.
There's too much fraternizing with the enemy.
There's a fine line between fishing and standing
on the shore like an idiot.
Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked
in?
I think that's how dogs spend their lives.
Don't worry about the world ending today...
It's already tomorrow in Australia.
(unless you're in Australia -then start worrying)
Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend.
Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.
Character is what you are.
Reputation is what people think you are.
Drive carefully
It's not only cars that can be recalled by their maker.
A loser is a window washer on the 44th floor who
steps back to admire his work..
A man usually feels better after a few winks,
especially if she winks back.
Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant.
There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
If at first you don't succeed ... well, so much for sky
diving.
A man who says marriage is a 50-50 proposition doesn't
understand two things: 1 - Women, 2 - Fractions.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Man who run in front of car get
tired.
Man who run in back of car get exhausted.
Man who walk thru airport turnstile sideways going to
Bangkok.
He who make love to exhaust pipe of car have hot rod.
Man who farts in church sits in own pew.
Crowded elevator smells different to midget.
Man who drive like hell bound to get there.
Woman who flies upside-down have crack up.
He who sneezes without a handkerchief takes matters into
his own hands.
Man who lives in glass house should change clothes in
basement.
Man who fishes in other man's well often catches crabs.
Man who have hand in pocket not just jingling change.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The following letter was
forwarded by someone who teaches at a junior high school
in Memphis, Tennessee; the letter was sent to the
principal's office after the school had sponsored a
luncheon for the elderly. This story is a credit to all
human kind. Read it, soak it in,and bask in the warm
feeling that it leaves you with.
Dear Vance School:
God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your
recent senior citizen's luncheon. I am 84 years old and
live at the county home for the aged. All my people are
gone. It's nice to know that someone thinks of me. God
bless you for your kindness to an old forgotten lady.
My roommate is 95 and always had her own radio, but would
never let me listen to it. The other day her radio fell
and broke into a lot of pieces. It was awful. She asked
if she could listen to mine, and I said fuck you.
Sincerely,
Edna Johnston.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
PROZAC~~cuz sometimes you
just FEEL like a nut!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Two guys and a union worker were fishing on a lake one
day, when Jesus walked across the water and joined them
in the boat.
When the three astonished men had settled down enough to
speak, the first guy asked humbly, "Jesus, I've
suffered from back pain ever since I took shrapnel in the
Vietnam war... could you help me?"
"Of course, my son", Jesus said, and when he
touched the man's back, he felt relief for the first time
in years.
The second man, who wore very thick glasses and had a
hard time reading and driving, asked if Jesus could do
anything about his eyesight.
Jesus smiled, removed the man's glasses and tossed them
in the lake. When they hit the water, the man's eyes
cleared and he could see everything distinctly.
When Jesus turned to heal the union worker, the guy put
his hands up and cried defensively, "Don't touch me!
I'm on long term disability!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Two aliens landed in the desert near
an abandoned gas station. They approached the gas pumps
and one of them said to it, "Greetings, Earthling.
We come in peace. Take us to your leader." The gas
pump, of course, did not respond.
The alien repeated the greeting and there was still no
response. Annoyed by what he perceived as the gas pump's
haughty attitude the alien drew his ray gun and said
impatiently, "Greetings earthling, we come in peace.
How dare you ignore us this way? Take us to your leader
or I will fire."
The other alien shouted to his comrade, "No, you
must not anger him..." But before he could finish
his warning the first alien fired. There was a huge
explosion that blew both of them 200 meters into the
desert where they landed in a heap.
When they finally regained consciousness the one who
fired turned to the other one and said, "What a
ferocious creature! It nearly killed us. How did you know
it was so dangerous?"
The other alien answered, "If there is one thing I
have learned in my travels through the galaxy it is this:
....If a guy has a penis he can wrap around himself twice
and then stick in his own ear, don't screw with him."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
FIRST OPERATION
Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers
next to each other, outside the operating room. The first
kid leans over and asks,
"What are you in here for?" The second kid
says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a
little nervous."
The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry
about. I had that
done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you
wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's
a breeze!"
The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?"
The first kid says, "A circumcision."
And the second kid says, "Whoa! I had that done when
I was born. I couldn't walk for a year!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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