A blonde, new to boating was having a problem.
No matter how hard she tried, she just couldn't get her
brand new 22-ft Bayliner to perform. It wouldn't get on a
plane at all, and it was very sluggish in almost every
maneuver, no matter how much power she applied.
After about an hour of trying to make it go, she putted
over to a nearby marina. Maybe they could tell her what
was wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everything
was in perfect working order. The engine ran fine, the
outdrive went up and down, and the prop was the correct
size and pitch.
So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check
underneath the boat. He came up choking on water, he was
laughing so hard.
Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the
trailer.?
Thoughts
on Golf:
In primitive society, when native tribes beat the ground
with clubs and yelled, it was called witchcraft; today,
in civilized society, it is called golf.
Golf is an expensive way of playing marbles.
Golf is a game in which the slowest people in the world
are those in front of you, and the fastest are those
behind.
Golf: A five mile walk punctuated with disappointments.
The secret of good golf is to hit the ball hard, straight
and not too often.
There's no game like golf: you go out with three friends,
play eighteen holes, and return with three enemies.
Golf was once a rich man's sport, but now it has millions
of poor players.
An amateur golfer is one who addresses the ball twice:
once before swinging, and once again after swinging.
Many a golfer prefers a golf cart to a caddy because the
cart cannot count, criticize or laugh.
8-}
A sheriff walks into a saloon and shouts for everyone's
attention.
"Has anyone seen Brown Paper Jake?"
"What's he look like?", asks one shoddy-looking
cowboy.
"Well", replies the Sheriff. "He wears a
brown paper hat, a brown paper waistcoat, a brown paper
shirt, brown paper boots, brown paper pants, and a brown
paper jacket."
"So what's he wanted for?" asks the same cowboy.
"Rustlin'."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A doctor of psychology at the insane asylum was doing his
normal morning rounds when he entered a patient's room.
He found Patient #1 sitting on the floor, pretending to
saw a piece of wood in half.
Patient #2 was hanging from the ceiling, by his feet. The
doctor asked patient #1 what he was doing.
The patient replied, "Can't you see I'm sawing this
piece of wood in half?"
The doctor inquired of Patient #1 what Patient #2 was
doing.
Patient #1 replied, "Oh, he's my friend, but he's a
little crazy. He thinks he's a light bulb."
The doctor looks up and notices Patient #2's face is
turning red. The doctor asks Patient #1, "If he's
your friend, you should get him down from there before he
hurts himself."
Patient #1 replies, "What, and work in the dark?"
?????
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
An old retired sailor puts on his
old uniform and goes down to the docks once more for old
times sake. He hires a prostitute and takes her up to the
room.
He's going at it as best as he can for a guy his age and
asks, "How am I doing?"
The prostitute says, "Well, sailor, you're doing
about three knots."
"What's that?" he asks.
She says, "You're knot hard, you're knot in, and
you're knot getting your money back."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Dear Diary,
I was reminded today just how awful my wife's cooking was
when we were first married. Yes, it's cliche but it's
true. It was so bad that I teased her relentlessly.
Recently, after an exceptionally exquisite meal, I put my
fork down and asked her to what she attributed her
acquired culinary mastery. She smiled a warm smile and
looked at me as if I were an angle of light delivering
divine revelation.
"Well," she said as her voice took on an
ethereal grace, "I believe it is a reflection of my
heart. That the joy and love I feel are manifest in my
cooking, in my gardening, in our children, in everything!
I believe all things in life turn out well if they are
done soulfully and honestly."
"Damn, baby," I said, my head awhirl at the
thoughts and sounds from the woman next to me. "I'm
going to call that shrink of yours and tell him he has
finally nailed the combination of prozac, lithium and
paxil."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A man
wins a free ticket to the SuperBowl from his company.
Unfortunately, when he arrives at the stadium he is
closer to the Goodyear Blimp than the field.
About half way through the first quarter he notices an
empty seat ten rows off the field right on the 50 yard
line. He decides to take a chance and makes his way
through the stadium around the security guards to the
empty seat.
As he sits down, he asks the gentleman sitting next to
him, Excuse me, is anyone sitting here?" The man
replies "no".
Now, very excited to be in such a great seat for the
game, he again inquires of the man next to him, "This
is incredible! Who in their right mind would have a seat
like this at the SuperBowl and not use it?"
The man replies, "Well, actually, the seat belongs
to me, I was supposed to come with my wife, but she
passed away. This is the first SuperBowl we haven't been
together since we got married in 1967."
"Well, that's terribly sad. But still, couldn't you
find someone to take the seat? A close friend, or a
relative?"
"No" the man replied, "They're all at the
funeral."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
IMITATION
DEEP THOUGHTS
It sure would be nice if we got a day off for the
president's birthday, like they do for the queen. Of
course, then we would have a lot of people voting for a
candidate born on July 3 or December 26, just for the
long weekends.
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